i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
