You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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