Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
