the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
