i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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