He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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