as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
