apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
