I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
