perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dignity is for republicans.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
