the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
