I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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