my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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