What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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