So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
