i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
