Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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