So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
