Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
