Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
