this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
