Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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