If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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