Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
