Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
