tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
