What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize