meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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