there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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