my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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