I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
