Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
