Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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