guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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