So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
