So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
