Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
