Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
