Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
