I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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