My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
