Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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