I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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