I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
