dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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