So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
