why didn't you poke me back
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
