So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
