apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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