Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
