I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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