Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
