Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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