I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
