I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I think a kid would responsible me up
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
