I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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