WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
